Final Word: Shopping can put you in a tailspin

By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I am not a shopper. When I need something, I buy it, then leave the store. Some may remember I went a year once without buying anything. Hardly a challenge.

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  By Suzy Parker, USA TODAY

By Suzy Parker, USA TODAY

So I was a little surprised the other day when I found myself "shopping." On a plane, no less.

I had finished my book, read the papers and scanned the airline's magazine when I pulled out Sky Mall, the in-air shopping guide for those who find themselves bored silly at 30,000 feet. It takes window (14F) shopping to new heights.

I'm not sure who puts this publication together, but they're brilliant. Where else can you find a Bigfoot garden statue and eyeglasses that let you to read in the dark? And all in the same place. A true timesaver.

And who knew there were so many things I didn't even know I wanted? Or needed?

Page 6: Head Spa Massager. "It's like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp." Yes, you look like a Roman soldier with this on your head, but so what? Can double as Halloween costume. $49.95.

Page 22: Go Away Gray. "Specifically formulated supplement designed to undo the causes of gray hair at the cellular level." Better yet, it promotes thicker hair. Sixty pills: $29.99.

Page 22: Nano-UV Disinfection Wand. "Reduces dust mite populations in mattresses, pillows." It also kills lice and flea eggs in bedding. Slept in a New York City hotel lately? A must. $159.99.

Page 29: Always Cool Pillow. "Actively regulates your head's and face's temperature, creating an optimal sleeping climate." Tired of turning that pillow looking for the cool spot? $89.95.

Page 52: BBQ Branding Iron. "Create a personalized patio meal by branding your steaks." Seems more humane now that the cow is dead. On sale, too! $74.95.

Page 72: I-Restore hair laser. "Low-level lasers and red luminous optical lights provide phototherapy, stimulating cells in your hair follicles." You look like a brain surgery patient with this, but again, think Halloween. And now that your hair is dark ? see above ? you might as well have more of it. $499.

Total sales: $903.83.

I was out of control. "Shop till you drop" was not a theory I wanted to test out, especially on a plane. I pulled myself together and returned the magazine to the seat pocket in front of me.

Heaven can wait, I thought, with or without a head of thick, dark hair resting on a cool, bug-free pillow.

I'm still thinking about that Roman soldier head massager, though. Batteries included. Isn't that what shoppers call a deal?

E-mail cwilson@usatoday.com.

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